Deflated footballs spark outrage and raise speculation

Reports erupted January 19, 2015 accusing New England Patriot’s Tom Brady of deflating footballs during the AFC championship game against the Indianapolis Colts. Fast forward a year and a half later and the NFL commissioner still has nothing else to do. “Concussions in football are a myth; it is all mental,” said Roger Goodell. “What we need to be focusing on are those footballs that Tom Brady may have slightly deflated last year.”

New England locals are backing their hero. “Tom Brady is a saint,” said Shanahan McManahan from Dorchester, Massachusetts. “What we need to do is deflate some air from that Peyton Manning’s forehead,” continued McManahan. “That thing can’t be regulation.”

Rumors have spread that Buffalo Wild Wing was involved in deflating the infamous footballs as part as their “Overtime” advertisement campaign. Other speculation has surfaced that Brady’s teammate, Rob Gronkowski deflated the footballs after his signature touchdown spike celebration.

Although the most reasonable explanation is that just the pure presence of Brady and his piercing blue eyes deflated the footballs, just as Brady has deflated so many NFL defenses over the past 15 seasons.

The Minnesota Vikings and the Carolina Panthers were literally caught red handed when ball boys from both were using jet engine heaters to warm footballs during a game in the 2014 campaign. These actions are classified as tampering with equipment and are not permissible according to the NFL rulebook. However, the incident produced a far different reaction then the outrage of Deflategate.

“They’re jealous of Tommy,” said Francis Flanigan from Quincy, MA. “They’re jealous of his four Super Bowl rings, his wicked hot super model wife, and his defined jawline,” said Flanigan. “I’d take a bullet for that man.”

“Ray Lewis killed a guy, Greg Hardy beat his wife, and I am under fire for deflating some footballs?” said New England legend Tom Brady. “There is most certainly a double standard for us Patriots.”